Finding Love Again - Dating and Mating in the Second Half of Your Life

Dating over fifty can be an adventure or a terrifying experience. Many women and men have vague memories of what it was like to date as a teenager or young person and most don’t remember those experiences with glee. Although some over fifty have never been married or have had long term relationships that ended without tying the knot, most new daters have a history of enough emotional heartbreak to make them wary. The exception is usually someone newly divorced who may see the world as a new garden where every piece of fruit is worth a bite. If you are truly interested in getting to know someone, stay away from this early gardener until they have learned to settle down. So, checking out how long someone has been on the dating scene and their dating history is wise.

Many Fifty and Furthermore’s have been divorced and are no longer free or unencumbered. They have children’s schedules to contend with or alimony and child support that may limit their financial ability. Or if a single parent is working and raising children, though he/she may be lonely and want companionship or even a new partner, they are often so tired that dating seems like one more monumental task. Many use the “I have no time and the children need me” excuse to stay safely in their familiar routine - complaining all the while. Chances are no new king or queen will magically come knocking on their door.

Perhaps, the most difficult hurdle to get over is that many people forget that their attractiveness at fifty and furthermore involves a different kind of glow than when they were young. Mistakenly, they tend to compare themselves to the image of their youth. Once self-judged as such, they are bound to lose. Most of us have a few extra pounds, sagging butts, lined skin and look better in clothes than naked. Both women and men forget that their personal attractiveness is a combination of many qualities: their age appropriate looks, skills, intelligence, hobbies, life experience and especially their wisdom gained from years of living. Change your perception, have fun and get out and mingle using both the old and new ways available to you.

So over fifties, here’s my advice:

1. Checklists of priorities can save time.
Hint: There’s a fine line between having a general idea of what qualities are most important to you and having a list that is so limiting you are blind to the surprise that may be packaged in an unexpected way.

2. Have fun.
Hint: Do what you enjoy doing. Become involved with like–minded people.

3. Learn how to converse
Hint: Most importantly, learn how-to listen.

4. If you’ve had poor relationships or a harsh divorce some therapy is probably a good idea.
Hint: Left their own devices, people have a remarkable way of following old familiar patterns hidden in new guises. Learn your own hang ups so that you don’t repeat them.

5. Take your time.
Hint: Nothing needs to happen overnight.

6. Go to singles mixers or events set up for singles to meet.
Hint: Remember everyone else is there for the same purpose. And if you don’t get good vibes or the crowd's not your type, leave.

7. Sex.
Hint: Discussion of safe sex, condoms, AIDS, herpes and the rest may not be well practiced subjects, but they are subjects that must be addressed. In your youth almost everything serious could be cured with penicillin. Not so today. One of the fastest growing segments of the AIDS population is people over fifty. Wake up to reality. You’ve got to talk about it.

For women who are post menopausal and may have issues such as vaginal dryness or men whose erections are not as hard as they once were, have honest conversations BEFORE you go to bed. If you are anxious, chances are your partner is too. Talking helps.

8. Find a home base away from home.
Hint: Choose a place to call your own where you feel comfortable such as your local restaurant, coffeehouse or bar. Let the staff get to know you. You can feel safe.

9. Lunch, coffee or drinks work well.
Hint: Dinner with a bore is too long and harder to get out of.

10. Use the Internet dating sites.
Hint: Be honest, specific and state what you are willing to have known. You do not need to advertise your sexual preferences for the world to know. If you use a photo, use one that is relatively recent.

11. Use Internet information.
Hint: All cities list things to do and events that are happening. Some of these are not specifically tailored towards singles but draw many “unmarrieds”. Go to them - cooking classes, concerts, movie groups, sports events, lectures. When used wisely, the Net is a wonderful resource tool.

12. Travel and Vacation.
Hint: Go where the singles and over fifties are. Again, magazines and the Net are wonderful resources. Let your fingers do the walking and turn to your friends to do the talking.

And if you want to know more: Write to me or take one of our seminars. Check online for our fun filled and informational seminars on How to Date coming soon.

dr. doree lynnDr. Dorree Lynn: is the author of Getting Sane Without Going Crazy (Xilbris, 2000) and co-founder of the Institute for the Advanced Study of Psychotherapy, is also the respected ear to power-brokers in government, media, corporate America, the arts and others ranging from pundits to postmen.

Seen on shows such as ABC’s Good Morning America, Court TV, MSNBC, WJXT News, VH1, and Fox News Channel's Special Report, quoted in publications such as TIME and Newsday, and now having broken into the cyber-world with FiftyandFurthermore.com, Dr. Dorree Lynn has been breaking new ground while tending to the mind and heart for over 30 years. www.fiftyandfurthermore.com